Monday, November 17, 2014

Talking About Children

I love being a mom and so wish that we were able to have more children. Poor William, he gets all of our attention! We chose for me to stay home with him for as long as possible, which meant no new cars or vacations or going out to dinner a lot. Those nine years were the best times of my life. It was my sweet spot.

Lately, those days of raising a child, especially a teenager, have been relived with a few total strangers. It has happened so many times that I wonder if I am just feeling how long he has been out of the country and how far away he is working at the moment. Last week, it was with a mom of young teen girl and boy while waiting for my animal-style burger at In-N-Out. After a chat, she grabbed my hand and thanked me. She had been overwhelmed with some issues and I was able to take the emotions out the mix, which helped her see things in a different light.

Another was with one of Michael's co-workers. She and her husband are just now beginning to plan for a baby. She had a rough childhood but was now very close to her parents. What would she do differently as a parent? It was an interesting conversation.

The latest was yesterday during the thank you party for our neighbors. Leslie and Joe have a son from his previous marriage, a daughter from her previous marriage and a daughter together. The oldest daughter is in eighth grade and all that brings including friends, boys, school work and sports. And seeking independence. That is always hard on a mom, especially these days. At that age, we always commented to William that we totally trusted him, respected him for his honesty and that we were so very proud of him. How could he do something to lose our respect?

When he was sixteen-years old, my dad gave him their old Ford station wagon. We made sure he had gas, good tires and it was properly maintained. We told him we trusted his driving so he was never to be in another teenager's car. No problem. His group of high school friends hung out at each other's homes and when he was a junior, he asked to stay out until 2AM. Michael told him that he and I needed to discuss it and would get back to him. Michael told me that his 1AM curfew should be cancelled. In fact, he would be put in charge of himself. If his grades dropped or it was difficult for him to get up in the morning, then we would have to go back to the whole curfew thing. Michael was wise enough to see that William was going to be away at college soon and needed to be in charge of himself. He needed to feel the independence now instead of going crazy at college.

When we told him our decision, he was shocked! No curfew? We encouraged him to be off the streets by 2AM because of the bars closing at that time and it was just dangerous. He began coming home around midnight. It all became a non-issue. A couple of years later when he was living in a dorm as a freshman in college, he phoned to thank us for letting him go. He told us that he was dealing with kids vomiting in the hallways because this was their very first taste of freedom away from their parents sight and they were going crazy. They just couldn't handle it.

I guess what I wanted to share with each mom was that we felt it was important for a child to feel that they are in charge of themselves. Complement good behavior. When there was a bump in the road, pull back, explain what was expected behavior, ask what happened and what would happen in a similar situation in the future. All part of our philosophy that to discipline a child was not to punish or hit a child but to teach a child. The child looks up to the parents throughout their life instead of being afraid of their wrath or dissappointment. It may not work with all children but worked with our child. We never had an argument or a fight with him during all those difficult years. We used humor and love and admiration. We all got through it intact. Thankfully.

No comments: