There are two things I am very grateful for:
I have no pain
I do not have small children
She also has three children who have been raised with an absent mom and the constant presence of illness in their home. Her illness controls the entire family.
She calls me for advice. I tell her that nothing I have can compare to her dealing with pain. Somehow she needs to get her pain under control. She had a pain pump inserted into her back but had a horrible reaction to it. It was removed. She went back to the pain pills.
I feel so sorry for her. I feel so grateful that I do not have pain.
Her three children are now teenagers who are all very angry. Her illness affects their daily life – she can’t drive because of the drugs, she is not present at their activities, she does not cook, she stays in bed and shouts orders to them. She still wants control.
She was frustrated that they didn’t want to watch movies in her bed with her because the couch in the family room is uncomfortable for her. “Why can’t they adjust for me?” I reminded her that they have been adjusting for her for years.
To help defuse their anger, I suggested that she talk separately with her children and apologize for being ill. She was shocked. It is not her fault that she is sick! She should not have to apologize! It was then I explained that she needs to acknowledge the negative impact of her illness on their childhood and acknowledge their frustration living with a parent who is not really in their lives. Tell them that she wishes it had never happened and so wishes she could change it. Hug them. It could be a beginning of better relationships and understanding with her children.
I am grateful that my son was an adult and living away from home when I was diagnosed. It does not affect his daily life.
I so wish this woman some peace in her life.
Next: Barbara and Sherman
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