Life does run in cycles. Some years we go to many weddings, others baptisms then others funerals. I think this may be the year of funerals. We went to our friend’s mom’s funeral on Tuesday. This is the third one so far this year!
My mom arrived on Monday in anticipation of our tax appointment on Tuesday. Following the tax appointment, we went to lunch then the burial ceremony at a cemetery at the top of the pass.
During lunch, Michael phoned to warn me that the twin was going to be at the services. Now, in the past, that news would have made me physically shake and I probably would have stayed away.
But, this is a different year.
This is the year I am kicking down the sides of my boxes.
This is the year I am going outside of my comfort zone.
I said to Michael, “Fine but I need you to stand beside me. I don’t want any conversation with him without you hearing it.” Remember, Michael didn’t know whom to believe after our last conversation 20 years earlier.
What I didn’t know until later is that Michael had not told the twin that I was going to be there.
We arrived early only to discover the funeral procession was also early and we were in the middle of it. They were stopped, I looked up and Michael was walking over to our car. He paused at a car ahead of us then joined us for a moment. “Who was that?” I asked thinking it was one of our friends. It was the twin.
I swear I did not get worried or nervous.
We followed the procession around until we parked in front of a mausoleum and the saw that the services were going to be outside. We parked, Michael was in front of us and the twin was parked two cars ahead of him. As he was just standing near his car, we were going to have to walk right past him.
Now, it was very cold and very windy. My mom does not like the wind to mess her hair. She is a Leo, after all. Michael took my arm and with my mom beside me, we began to walk. The wind kicked up and now all three of us had our heads down trying not to be blown to bits. Michael leaned down and quietly said, “Do you want me to introduce him to you?” And with that, we began to laugh.
The twin was still standing near his car. We passed. We never looked at him. He never looked as us. (Mom said she glanced over and he was looking in the other direction.)
I hugged our friend, his sister and father, introduced my mom and had a great chat with his teenaged kids. His wife, the one with the lupus and pain, was not present. He told me that she was at the funeral but couldn’t take anymore. He said it in a very disappointed manner.
The services were on a small lawn in front of the burial site right along the road. We stood in front of a short fence near mom seated in some chairs. At one point, Michael was looking around and I asked, ”Where is he?” He replied, “Right behind us still at the car.”
Just after the services, I walked a few steps to talk with our friend again and noticed the twin driving away.
After twenty years, I realized that he was intimidated by me. Scared of me. It was almost a moment like in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy learned that she had the power to go back to Kansas all along.
The next day I asked if my name was brought up during their lunch together. Michael said that the twin never mentioned me at all.
All the angst is gone. It is like the final sentence of a song from A Chorus Line, “And I felt…nothing.”
What a year!
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