An Emotional Break

I must apologize, dear reader, for the previous blogs as I felt it was important that I give you the context for our current situation. In doing so, I had to ignore the emotional stuff. It is important that you know that I married an amazing man. We married at 19 and 20 years old and have been married 37 years. We still adore each other. We have a 28-year old son. In the past, I have often laughed that I must have had horrible things happen to me in past lives, as this life has been wonderful. Karmic payback.

As the tests continued and the illness played out, it became clear that I was not going to recover as hoped and that, in fact, this was a fatal diagnosis. I shared all information with my family with no drama attached. Simply stated the facts. I always tried to find a positive statement to make going forward. With bad test results and new problems, I knew that I had to be strong because everyone was watching me to gage their own reactions. In doing so, I often felt like I was the sick one holding up my husband, son and mother. Comforting them.

I was angry that the school administration knew about the portable and still let me work in it knowing I was having breathing problems. I was angry that my life was going to be greatly shortened. I was angry until I realized that the people who made these decisions continued on with their lives with nary a thought of me. It is then that I realized that the anger could only do me harm. I would save my anger for when I faced them in court.

Depression never entered my body though I think all the exercise helped. With very limited time here on earth, I refuse to waste one moment of one day being depressed.

Since we married, who ever left the house first in the morning was walked to the door, kissed goodbye and sent off on their day by the other. One morning when the future looked so very dim, we were standing on the front porch looking at the garden and beginning to say our goodbyes when he said, “You promised me that we would grow old together. I don’t think I can go on without you. I think I will just off myself after you die.” I grabbed the front his shirt and said, “Listen Mister, I am putting you in charge of our future grandchildren. You have to tell them about me. You have to be the grandparent for both of us. Buck up.”

About a year later, I had a conversation with him and a separate one with our son. I wanted them both to hear from my mouth to their ears that it is okay for Michael to re-marry. It is important to me that our son supports it, if it happens.

I deeply missed my job. I missed the children and I especially missed the income. In a future blog I will write about the financial implications of being disabled. It is not pretty.


Next: Back to our story – The Proof is in the PFTs