It has become more and more clear to me that this illness has been a true gift. When I think back at what I looked like, thought of myself, was so independent from Michael, proud of being a fantastic mother, driven, very black or white on issues, off-putting and many other things, I am not the same person today as I was the day I got my diagnosis.I am in the best physical shape of my life. I am eating well and exercising six days a week. I feel strong, have muscles and so aware of my breathing.
I have always been confident and felt that I could do anything if I put my mind to it. Well, I can't cure a fatal disease no matter how hard try! It has made me humble and much more understanding of other people and their issues in life.
Suddenly, I must depend on Michael for my life. Financially, I only have him. That was hard for me. I have never been a dependent person. I needed him to help me get on my feet and begin the journey after the lung biopsy. He is always there besides me now. He watches me breathe at night. He makes sure I am not overextending myself.
Lately, I realized that I was a fine mother but really, I had a very easy, nice, funny, smart kid. He did the heavy lifting.
Goal driven. All of my life I have worked towards goals. My goals are so different now. Maintaining my health is number one. Everyday. Making sure my family is happy and that we have good relationships is another major goal. Everything is less important.
So confident, I was often intimidating to people. So confident, I only believed in right or wrong. Accept or dismiss. Today, I love when I make a human connection with the checker at the market or teller at the bank or a person while we are standing in line. I am so much more opened. Much more aware that life doesn't happen in a straight line.
It took a disease to make me stop. It MADE me stop. It made me reconsider everything in my life.
I am a much happier person today. I am a much healthier person in every way.
I am grateful for the disease.
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