Friday and Worries

Friday. It always sounds so sweet. Michael usually comes home early and has his weekly cocktail while we sit in the garden. We talk about the past week and the week ahead. He always has a story to tell about someone he has dealt with during the week. When I was working, we would turn up the music and sit for hours on the swing in the side yard. It is what calmed me down, got me focused and helped me get through another week. Down time.

Now, the old swing has been taken away and the new one is waiting until after the rains to be installed. We usually don't have the music on anymore as we are in the further back yard rather than the swing. Our lives are so much smaller than years ago that we often just sit and enjoy the silence. We are close enough to the ocean to hear a storm coming in or the fog horns in the distance.

Someone just recently asked if we talk a lot about my illness. In truth, unless there is a crisis or I have seen a doctor or I notice a change, we really don't let it into our lives. We deal with it when we have to, otherwise, we live our lives. In the beginning, I used to worry. I worried about a lot of things out of my control but what was hard to deal with was the fact that I could be dead next week. If I were to get sick or get the flu, BOOM!, death. There was a lovely 80+ year old man in the rehab class who was a very respected international dog judge. He had IPF. One day, I asked how he handled the knowledge that he could be dead next week. He paused and said, "If you really want to know, I just don't think about it." He asked why worry? It won't change anything. Don't be stupid, wash your hands, stay away from crowds but other than that, there is not a whole lot you can do.

I know it sounds so simple, but it changed how I looked at the whole disease. I had been driving myself nuts thinking about all the "what ifs." I learned to only worry when I had proof that I needed to worry. It saved a lot of energy and undue stress.