Reconnecting with an Old Friend

Old friends. No explanations. No need to repeat histories. Barely a moment to become friends again. This summer has been a renewal of a few friendships.

At the graduation party of a friend's daughter last evening, a mutual friend was going to be there. We both were looking forward to spending some time with her. Nancy was married to Jeff, who went to apprentice school with Michael in 1971. They had been married over twenty years and had two children. They opened their own body shop where Michael worked for many years. It was there that Jeff changed. He was taking his young son skiing in the Italian alps, they bought a house in Tahoe and a new house in a nice area. He was always gone. He became arrogant and a bit too full of himself. Nancy was running the shop while he played, though he never gave her credit.

Things began to fall apart and she left him, with the support of one of Jeff's friends. After all these years, they are still together. He is kind and sweet and generous with his emotions. They are happy.

Michael ran into Jeff last week at Hot August Nights. He had never moved forward, still dressed as in the 80s and, as Michael said, just looked and acted old. He is living with a woman, trying to run a business and again reviewed the litany of the woes beginning with "Nancy had an affair and left me," to anyone who would listen.

It was so much more than that. She fled. She escaped.

At the party yesterday, Michael asked what finally made her leave. She told him that she realized that she was totally numb. If she had been thrown down stairs, she said she would not have felt anything. Totally devoid of feelings. She finally was truthful to herself about hiding her emotions. Actually, I think that was a protective shield. She was not a weak person but in that family, she was the weakest link so she was constantly used and put down. Dismissed. Mocked. Through the years, she also questioned what it was about her that drew these men to her. With the help of her wonderful parents and siblings, she began to rebuild her life and her relationships with her children, now in their 30s. The daughter is getting married soon, the son is living with her and both children are now seeing the bigger issues. It was so much more than, "mom had an affair." They are now seeing their parent's relationship was just a toxic relationship. Poison.

She is happy, looking forward to the wedding, has no problem being in the same room as Jeff as she has moved on. She has done the internal work. She is living an authentic life and has an honest, healthy relationship.

We so enjoyed reconnecting with her, exchanged email addresses and have made plans for the six of us to have dinner together soon. We don't want to lose her again. We don't want another ten years to fly by.