Michael and I gave my blog information to someone we know. It is not something we often do as it is so personal and so very honest. But, this woman has been dealing with breast cancer and also has a husband who adores her. Dealing with a bad diagnosis seems always harder on the spouses. They have no control over anything and just can't fix it. They can only watch. And emotionally support.
When I open myself to someone I know, I like to go back to read the first year of blogs. I try to read them with a different eye. A new eye. Yesterday afternoon, I reread so many of the first blogs and it was then that I had a realization:
I probably won't die of the lung disease.
Sounds weird, I know. It occurred to me yesterday that I had a deep skin cancer and a premalignant colon cancer removed this year. My stamina is not great. I don't "feel well" and I think that my body is beginning to break down. It has gone through 10 years of a lung disease, 8 years of prednisone, 7 years of Imuran, my liver is enlarged, I have high pressure in my eyes, I have the beginnings of pulmonary hypertension and so many other smaller issues.
Infections, pneumonia, a problem during a procedure or other issues may bring the grim reaper to my door. I worry that something will happen that will not allow me to proceed with lung transplants when I really need them.
So, what do I do with this new-found realization? Keep exercising, eating well and taking care of myself. But, I now realize that this may not play out as I have been anticipating. It should be interesting ride. Come along.
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